The Absent Spouse

It was quite a relief going to the Aiming Low NonCon. I really didn’t know what to expect. It’s easy to demonise the unknown and I must admit that I was sceptical of of the whole blog thing.

The Pioneer Woman was the keynote; very apt as I tend to see the internet & blogging as being much like the settling of America – the Native Americans would be analogous to the scientists who got the thing running with no freaking idea of what was coming next, your star bloggers are like the huge metropolises that staked their claim to the most fertile land while the rest of us weren’t looking and the new bloggers are like poor homesteaders, wondering whether to try and squeeze into the suburbs or scratch a living in the wilderness. (All this information courtesy of a childhood spent watching John Wayne & Audie Murphy, thank you Hollywood!)

Cynically, I used to think blog conferences were just a way for successful bloggers to further monetise themselves by selling dreams to aspiring wannabees, but my prejudices were confounded by the beautiful writers of the Noncon. I loved the vibe and the values: quick witted good people with no hint whatsoever one-upmanship – a real community that I felt I must have known in a previous life. It made me feel good.

Our great god, Money, and it’s economic machine has done a pretty good job of destroying communities, so seeing that the internet can be a catalyst for the good stuff of true community was a pleasant surprise. I got it; there are important issues and big stories that need to be heard, shared and discussed and here was a non-competitive network ready to do just that. Suddenly it became clear how Anissa gets my wife to do things I can’t.

Sitting at a round table and @GDREmpress says, ‘what makes you different?’ At a blogger conference my status as non-blogger would seem to be that very thing, so let’s get the irony on and start writing…

At first I thought I would do something that could be useful to blogaholics and their neglected spouses. I thought I could explain each different point of view and make the world a better place, but each time I tried to get it down I failed. All the topics and personal context sit beautifully in my brain like baubles on a Christmas tree but when I try to pack them away into boxes it’s difficult to know what goes where. This is my fifth attempt.
My respect for writers has grown immensely.

Understanding your blog spouse

And nary a naked fireman in sight

If you’ve been widowed or widowered by a blog you must understand that the reason they don’t pay any attention to you any more and seem to be glued to the monitor 24/7 is that, not only are they making love to the entire internet, they are also having sex with God. In a manner of speaking. They’re revelling in the zone of creativity where the conscious mind goes bye-bye and they merge with the divine to become one flying entity of pure creation skimming the stratosphere in a timeless dance.
Timeless – that’s why they don’t come to the dinner table, or why they welch on the promise to watch that late night movie with you. Don’t take it personally the way I did. The best thing you can do is GET A LIFE and have your own in-the-zone moments.

The same thing goes for Twitter, the net equivalent of a great universal musical jam – hear a riff you like? Join in! My wife has the everyman approach and challenges herself to riff with you, whoever you are and whatever your style. Whether it’s a tune about a cause, about parenthood, politics or people, she’ll find some notes that fit, and if you want to groove in saucier areas, she might help you improve the quality of your innuendo.

Don’t let it get to you. It’s just a bit of fun.

The great thing about Twitter is that, thanks to mobile devices, you can take it anywhere! Instead of having to make conversation in the car, you can pretend you’re in a taxi! Standing together in the queue for the checkout, imagine you’re alone and concentrate on growing your on-line audience with witty one-liners and snappy comebacks! Never be bored again and gain a whole new online family! Show them the beautiful, fun, lively side of your personality and save the rhymes-with-itchy rhymes-with-anky bits for the people you live with.

I repeat: don’t take this personally, it’s not real, it’s just the net, it’s not real, it’s just the net. This shall be your new mantra.

Understanding yourself

Oi, where’s my sandwich?

When my wife went AWOL in the cybersphere, I came to the conclusion that the whole social media obsession was merely a way of avoiding me. Being cuckolded by a load of ones and zeroes did absolutely nothing for my self-esteem and the whole thing meshed beautifully with my mid-life crisis.

Having ticked 8/10 signs of depression I did a little CBT and a little introspection and it dawned on me that my sensitivity to abandonment was a result of being the child of a long line of single parents. I also realised that in all probability the majority of spouses don’t miss their blogging other halves at all. Perhaps they’re too busy, or they relish the alone time; maybe absence truly does make the heart grow fonder. Nevertheless I still missed her…

I tried other ways to angle the glass and make it seem more full. Firstly, I could consider myself lucky to have her in my life at all (as I’m sure most would agree). Fortunate too, that she wasn’t on a tour of duty in Afghanistan with the very real chance of not ever coming back. Also fortuitous that we still like eachother and don’t have to make ‘Take my wife/husband…’ jokes. And it’s not as if there are no limits; she never tweets during meals or during sex and she never blogs before noon.

Fixing the differences

So, how much of the problem was due to too much blogging and how much caused by my own issues? People on the other side of the world are dying fercrissakes, this is hardly an issue of cosmic importance! Shouldn’t I just shut up and be grateful for being born at all? Probably. But if it really was a problem perhaps the missus would appreciate the chance to fix it. The only way to know is to discuss it.

So we talked and she assured me that I still held the place of honour in her heart and agreed that life in pixelville was taking too much of our time. Wow  – all that pain and built up resentment and all I had to do was ask… Oh bollocks! Now I won’t have anything to whinge about…

So for now, everything is tickety-boo, and let the future be as much of a matter of choice as possible. If a marriage needs to be sacrificed in order for a new career to take off it wouldn’t be the first time, if a relationship needs to be sacrificed because someone thinks it’ll be easier than therapy, so be it. Just be mindful of what have become your real-life priorities and don’t confuse them with your values. See what takes up your energy and attention; who gets the cream and who’s left with the crusts. Get a life, get in the zone, but watch the time – it has a knack of slipping into the future.

In the end it all comes down to balance and as Faiqa says, chaos begets progress.